Saying No
by Dorry Parton
One of the greatest things you can learn on your quest to Alphadom is the ability to look someone straight in the eyes and -- without flinching -- tell them no.
As people, we enjoy helping our friends and we like the gratification that comes from helping advance our own. It's sort of a built in, communal survival instinct. You understand, instinctively, that helping some advance, helps the group as a whole advance to a better state. Because this benefits largely the group you are a part of, it benefits you directly, and thus increases your own standard of living.
To give an example, someone in my office one day approached me and a few others with an idea: He suggested we pool all of our sales individually for the month and then split the bonus money evenly. Granted, some of us would be pulling most of the weight, but the plan was mathematically sound in such a way that everyone would experience an exponentially larger financial gain -- even those of us who were producing the most would see an increase by a few hundred (!) percent. Sure, this person isn't the greatest salesman in the world, but he was by far the weakest link. By helping this man advance by combining my sales numbers with his, I would also see an increase in my own sales bonus.
This group caring -- a macro survival instinct -- is ingrained into us by our genes. However, it can become skewed, distorted, and lead to individual downfall as opposed to group advancement.
If you've ever seen a horror movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about. There will be some jackass who, in the middle of the alien/zombie/vampire/Russian Hit Squad attack, decides that the best thing anyone can do in this situation is flip their shit. He will start acting irate, yelling and screaming, going off the reservation and endangering everyone. And yet we don't just fucking shoot this guy. We try everything: We restrain him; We attempt reason with him; We forgive him and allow him back in the group; We kick him out of the group (and pretend like he wont immediately seek refuge with our enemies by giving away our most intimate details); We will do everything we can that doesn't involve just shooting the fucker.
Why?
Group survival gone awry. We feel some sort of bond or link to this character and feel as though his survival is just as important as our own. So we refuse to just put him down for the count.
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From Group Survival To Beta Conditioning
As a man in modern society, it is pretty much beaten into you that you need to be a chivalrous, subservient worshiper of Teh Wimmenz. Your only goal in life is to make sure that women are given every opportunity to advance at any price. Basically -- you have having the beta beaten into you. Since day one, you are told that the only way to get anywhere is to make sure that everyone else gets everywhere.
Have you seen the movie Horrible Bosses?
I was going to put a picture of Jennifer Aniston, but she's fuck ugly so I went with Jessica Biel instead.
There is a monologue in the beginning,
Quick story, my grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That sucks! You know why she didn't succeed? Because she didn't take shit from anyone. The key to success, and they will not teach you in business school, is taking shit. That's exactly what I've been doing for the last eight years and it's all about to pay off.
This group survival that you have engrained into you can often be amplified by society and distorted into something entirely different. A lot of you email me with 'beta tendencies' that you struggle with and limiting behaviors you can't get rid of. I can promise you a majority of your problems would be solved if you would just learn to say no. Half the reason so many of you end up acting beta in a relationship is because you never push back on behavior that disrespects you, which is exactly the kind of dynamic you see broken down in lists of things that make you beta.
Where You Need To Say No
I get a lot of emails about people whose friends don't approve of your new outlook life and love, or who don't agree with you wanting to take charge of your own life. You have to learn how to say no.
You see, this group survival instinct would never, in the wild, override your own intrinsic survival instinct. Other than the rare case of a mate and children, your own survival will always come first. The group survival will maybe put you out for a while, absorb a day of your life, or some of your resources -- but the return you'll get in the form of the advancement of the group would have been worth it.
When you're faced with people in your life who want you to go do something that you know is going to be damaging to the lifestyle you're trying to forge, you need to learn to say no.
When you run across people who ask you take on extra tasks or burdens at work that you know you wont be able to handle, say no.
When someone tries to give you shit in public, say no.
Learning how to turn people down when what they propose doesn't benefit you will be a game changer in your life. The moment I stopped being a pushover who agreed to everything everyone else wanted with little regard to what I wanted, was a moment my life took a massive upswing. You see, you can't always be agreeable and doing what everyone else wants you to do without sacrificing what you need to do. That’s the same basic self-respect muscle guys are told to build when someone asks, “where is your self-respect?” and explains you don’t get women without it in pieces like self-respect you dont get women.
Friends, Bosses And Boundaries
If your friends are on your ass about game and they're telling you that white knighting is the way to go, and 'just give it a chance man, you'll see' -- take a break from those friends. I'd say cut them out altogether, but if you aren't at that point yet, then simply step back from them. Don't talk to them about game, or your newly forming views. I know you want to, talking to others helps us think and solidify our ideas -- but you can't, they wont understand or agree. Simply take some time away from those friends, gather yourself, and if they bring it up in the future tell them you'll agree to disagree and change the subject -- say no to the conversation.
I've actually got an entire post coming on this, but if your boss asks you to take on responsibility that you simply know you wont be able to handle -- say no. No one ever got fired for turning down a request. "Hey, can you come in on your day off?"
"I'm sorry Dave, I really can't."
That's all that needs to be said -- simple. Don't let a boss threaten or intimidate you into doing something you wont be able to do, or can't do, or don't want to do -- whatever. Learn to stand up for yourself, grab your nuts, and say no. Boundaries like this are exactly what keep you from drifting into passive, resentful “nice guy” territory that writers mean when they say being passive is killing your relationships.
Figure out when your group survival is actively being triggered -- when agreeing will help further your own cause and survival -- and say yes to those times. Weigh the situations out at first until you've gained enough experience to make snap judgements. If the situation doesn't benefit you, turn it down.
The Payoff Of Learning To Say No
Learning how to say no to people has been one of the greatest, most beneficial lessons I've ever learned in my life. It has also been the hardest. But once you get used to holding the line, you start to see the same pattern everywhere: the people who build solid relationships, better careers and saner lives are the ones who decide what they stand for and filter everything else out. That’s the same muscle people talk about when they describe changing habits, improving relationships and finding inner peace by setting boundaries and prioritizing themselves, the way you see in stories about breaking the cycle.
